ethnicity as a source of insecurity i think that one the things i'm most insecure about - and i've only recently become conscious of this insecurity - is the notion of cultural/ethnic loyalty and duty. it's something that seems very prevalent in society (not necessarily the particular portion of society with which i am best acquainted, but the abstract idea of society throughout the world). the obvious reason for the insecurity this fosters is my lack of cultural/ethnic classification. i worry that those who i need/want to accept me into their hearts will, in part, reject me because of the lack of shared heritage and social backgrounds.

that's a really difficult insecurity to avoid. once it gets into my head, i see possible situations for it everywhere. even tougher to take is the consequential realization that this insecurity has probably only developed during my time at harvard. while my first inclination is to blame the passively stubborn infrastructure of boston/cambridge/harvard society, i think the reasons also go deeper. they must include the fact that, at harvard, i am no longer at home where, although i don't share the same cultural heritage as either of my parents, collectively we do. they must also include the possibility that my expectations for acceptance were inflated by the melting-pot aspect to los angeles culture.

whatever combination of these and other reasons may be the true cause, the fact that these insecurities have developed in this specific location makes me glad to be leaving to explore other parts of the world. i don't really expect to 'solve' this by going some place else and gaining new perspective, but it really couldn't hurt.  ¶ 12:22 AM