im pissed off i've been rather emotional lately, it kind of sucks. i usually cant figure out why im emotional at times like these. i feel like that is usually from a complete lack of will to introspect, though. i just don't want to figure out what's wrong, so i bottle shit up and let it vent in other, very unconstructive ways.

the worst part is, despite the fact that i know this is not a fair way of dealing with my problems (because in my unconstructive moments i usually end up dumping all my crap on whoever is unlucky enough to be around), i don't feel like i am ready to change my mode of problem assuaging... there's a creeping feeling at the moment that the problems i am avoiding are so terrifyingly anathema to me that it might be better to just deal with problems in the current, broken way, rather than confront what is actually going wrong.

another thing that kind of sucks is that, possibly due to my immense pride, i handle these problems with a sometimes uncalled for level of righteousness. i know this is self-perpetuating and problematic - and even as i am writing this i'm not quite ready to believe that i am wrong in my actions - but very much trust the opinions of those who are close to me, and if their opinions are so diametrically opposed to my own, that's my usual warning that i could be in the wrong, despite my active-self-justification-righteousness-complex.  ¶ 8:25 PM